Where are all the men who know how to make a plan, pick up the phone, and ask you out like a human being?
1. The guy who texts you every day for a week then disappears for 10 days, only to resurface and text you like everything’s normal. “Sorry, busy at work. How r u?” Breaking news: If he has enough time to go to the bathroom, he has enough time to send you a text message because you know he looked at his phone when he was in there.
2. The guy who gives you backhanded compliments. “You look hot with your hair straight.” “You look so great on Instagram.” He may as well tell you he only likes you after your face has been filtered so that it looks like he’s viewing you through wax paper. Why should you have to do that, or spend an hour at a salon and $80 to live up to his standards? Oh, that’s right, you don’t!
3. The guy who tries to get you not to use a condom. This guy is a roach on your apartment floor. Spray him with Raid and flush him down the toilet because that’s what a guy who cares that little about your personal wishes and health deserves.
4. The guy who won’t go down on you but expects blow jobs. Your life isn’t a janky porn movie he watches on his iPhone when he wakes up in the morning. And if he doesn’t understand that, he shouldn’t be in it.
5. The guy who doesn’t know what he wants. If he can’t make up his mind about the best thing that ever happened to him (you), he’s an idiot. You deserve a man with a sense of direction and, oh, right, a brain.
6. The guy who is incapable of making plans. “Hi, I’m in the area, still want to meet up today?” “Maybe. I’m at my friend’s place watching Batman.” #$*@(&#$ If he can’t meet you for lunch on a Sunday, imagine what introducing him to your parents or trying to take a vacation with him will be like.
7. The guy who acts like he’s in love with you, and then posts a photo of him and another girl he’s clearly also dating to Facebook the next day. It’s like he wanted you to see it — he friended you. Well, you didn’t sign up for a ménage à trois or getting dicked around by someone who cares so little about having you around that he’s basically advertising that he’s seeing other people.
8. The guy who never introduces you to his friends, but he’s met all your friends and perhaps your family when they’ve visited you. Here’s a good rule to live by: See if he introduces you to his friends/family first — if he does, he’s serious about dating you. If he doesn’t, he’s just toying with you and you will get hurt in the end.
9. The guy who will never commit, which you’re aware of, yet you keep dating because you think he’s hot and because maybe you’re a touch sadistic. Look, if the hottest of the hottest guysgods aka Chris Hemsworth can settle down, so can the plebian you’re dating. So if committing isn’t his thing, then committing to him isn’t yours either.
10. The guy who only texts and never calls. Texts are for people who fear verbal communication and want an easy way to drop off the face of the earth for a week if they feel like it. Why would you want to be with a guy who can’t even talk to you? Easy: You don’t!
11. The guy who never seems to have any cash. “Can you grab dinner/this cab fare/the movie tickets again?” You may be sweet but you’re not that sweet, and you’re not his sugar mama. If you work hard for your money, you deserve a man who also works hard for his.
12. The guy who’s really good at being manipulative — to the point where you don’t even know you’re being manipulated. He’s a smooth operator and no, he is not a member of the English group Sade. He’s probably a narcissist or a sociopath, or has more baggage than anyone else you’ve ever met. Remember that his bad behavior is about him, not you, and move on.
13. The guy who always makes plans but then never follows through. Which means he probably sucks at bowling, playing darts, golfing, and throwing a football, because all these things require, say it with me, follow-through. If he can’t follow through on dinner, he’s a flake, and he could just as easily flake on your life if you try to build one with him.
14. The guy who is charming and tries to take you home with him. But when you tell him you’re not going home with him because he could be an ax murderer and you want him to call you tomorrow instead, you never hear from him again.
15. The guy whose Instagram feed is full of bottle girls and some da club. His life goal is probably “banging a ton of chicks” and he only goes out with “aspiring models.” Because looks are sopermanent.
16. The guy who wears a jersey outside of his house. Unless you are a wide receiver (or any position on a pro sports team), please leave your jersey at home. It’s not clothing. You deserve a man who wears clothing.
17. The guy who is, like, 34 about to turn 35, and still can’t get his shit together and commit to an exclusive relationship with you. Even though he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you. He’s not actually confused; he’s just lying at this point.
18. The guy that says he an adult/mature and ready to commit but when you bring up getting engaged, etc., he says something like, “Wait, I feel like we’re moving too fast?“Really, buddy? “Here’s an idea, take off that diaper you have on and put on your big-boy pants because we’ve been dating for [insert a significant amount of years] and no one’s getting any younger here.”
19. The guy who is 30 and can’t afford his own rent. If you go home with him, you will also find yourself in the presence of his three other roommates, his Nintendo 64, and a fridge full of Pabst Blue Ribbon. And don’t think for a second that you’re going to sleep on a real bed with a headboard — his mattress is probably on the floor and next to a pile of dirty clothes. You, a woman who does have her shit together, do not have time for this.